Cut from Reflection

this is mostly figurative.

My education is not self-affirmation -

affirming oneself mostly means masturbation.

I try to steer clear of the stroking and sucking -

I much more prefer to be poking and fucking.

Meeting the witness with monsters inside

bodes best for bodies with no place to hide.

if you were stuck on a island and would live forever, what three people or things would you bring with you? If it's person, they can live forever too!

You want me to say Alex Georgia Marky and little lift from god's gift...and some sour patch kids. But I refuse to be peer-pressured, so I'm'onna say Ginger and Mary Ann, Chef Boyardee, and my own personal thanksgiving feast. And all of the hard drugs I can stuff in my ears.

Ask me anything

If you ever make a terrible mistake and have children, what would you name them?

LUNCH.

Ask me anything

What, do you suppose, is the best method of procuring for one's self, a pre-destination?

The best method? Tough call. But I will say that if everyday you stare into the sun, or consume a sandwich composed completely of two pieces of fried chicken enveloping bacon and cheese, or even masturbate while choking yourself with a dog leash attached to the handle of a revolving door, you have a pretty good idea of what's going to happen to you eventually. For me, to continue along the same lines, I blow a load into the collection plate on sundays. Because what is more valuable than the gift of life? That way I know I will go to heaven. Though I am never sure how long I will be allowed at any given church...service.

Ask me anything

This is less a question, more a command. Write me a one sentence story pertaining to the meaning of life and jellybeans eaten by a dog. No creativity allowed.

"dog-a-jelly = yllej-a-god = illegible canine deity + pectin = dog eats jellybeans = jellybeans ate god."

And only because it is a one-sentence story can i not put a question mark at the end, which invariably makes it a fact. Also because I forget sometimes this is a place for answers and not more questions. This isn't church after all. Get it? Damn it. Get it.

Ask me anything

Are you a chicken? If so, then why does everything taste like you?

Could a chicken do this?....oh that's right, you can't see me. Well trust me, it's pretty cool. And I didn't even have to rip out all of the hair this time.

Ask me anything

," said somebody to the left.

Jon Stewart is brilliant because of things such as his way of communicating a sense of deep betrayal when he attacks John McCain. And to be honest, I think it's because of the 'h'.

Is there a rift between the population called by the same syllable, separated by spelling? The answer: a-duh.

And then I went on to explore the preposterous yet almost-true-sounding history of the war of Jo(h)ns, and the horrible battle of Athan, and the legendary but ultimately tragic Ny Operation.

And in some other version of the truth, I was working diligently on eating my way out of the dangerous hole-filled-with-goulash-and-coleslaw accident that my life has werewolf'd into this week. I'm painfully approaching that unit -verse.