welcome to the world of yesterday

welcome to here

i see you've come looking

for a glimmer of hope in the pain

it's a world where we sleep

so the kettles can steep

and the sky doesn't rain much but clocks

if you'll just lift your foot

i'll clean up the soot

so you can lay down and die where you stand

i hope you didn't have intentions otherwise

well we don't like to please

but we can try to appease

if you'll just put some cash on the fire

my sheets were all tidy

but then i took a nap

it's a good thing that i planned ahead

the biscuits went bad

and the milk stings a tad

social security can suck a fat toad

because i planned on plugging my mouth the day i turn 60

if you'll pardon the pun

i just have the one

so you can get up to get one for yourself

it hurt to wake up again

what with the noise

and the dreams of incontinent lands

and i was thinking ahead

but i've nothing to say

so i think i'll just turn in for the day

i never planned on being happy anyway

highlights and besides

In the past year, I have greatly furthered myself both as a person and...an artist? writer? I don't feel comfortable calling myself those, but it's definitely something in a creative sense, and I think a great deal of it has to do with starting this blog, so I really appreciate everyone who has kept comin' back. And as my personal gift to all of my readers, I have compiled here a collection of pieces that I never published for some reason or other. And then, just to throw you off, I have intermingled several of my favorite blog'cerpts from the past year. But then, if you can make it all the way to the end, as the grand finale, I've uploaded my NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN GLEE AUDITION VIDEO!

But hey, before we begin, we must quote a relevant song, as is tradition here, or so it would seem.

ummmmmm...

"Twenty-one days lost at sea I fought For twenty-two years non-stop I've talked Through the desert, pissed drunk, and confused I walked I spit a tooth in the palm of my hand" (the avett brothers, "go to sleep")

enjoy...

Hear that? It's the gecko echo!

(given the title of this blog, the author would like to communicate that he would find it very ironic if he were to contract swine flu - the hogwash, obviously, not the...gecko echo? Also he would like to apologize for the general confusion in the show and the extensive lapse between episodes, but makes no promises to remedy the situation in the future. Well Heeeeeeeeeeeeeere's J- oh wait, I don't do this do I? That's Horace's thing.) Jonathan: And the Perspective has urged us to steer away from the Jonny Carson intro. (shit, of course, that's right. Sorry. Okay here's Horace with the introduction. He comes on all blustery and sick and pink-nosed sneezing into his very dainty handkerchief, just generally kind of f. Very unenthused- ) Horace: Oh you didn't know? It's your turn to go toe-to-toe with that bustle of life that's got you feeling so low. stop flying solo and give me the say-so to bring on this mofo OH JUST GET ON WITH IT!

haven't had time to do this lately. but it's easter, so...

(the apostles are gathered at a restaurant on the first Easter Sunday. Jesus barges in exuberantly, completely underdressed, carrying a large, brightly-colored basket with numerous goodies inside.)

JESUS. Happy Easter! I'm back y'all!

1^st APOSTLE. Holy shit!

JESUS. Yes it is the stuff of holiness, this.

2^nd APOSTLE. What’s a Easter?

JESUS. It means I brought chocolate!

1^st APOSTLE. But we've just eaten brunch.

JESUS. Oh la di dah, douchebag. I've been dead three days and already you're inventing meals.

1^st APOSTLE. No we just mixed lunch and breakfast.

JESUS. Oh...Oh! well that's just-!...I just don't understand the plane of the living anymore. And that's the most creative name you could come up with? Something tells me I'm going to need to proofread those gospels. You've started those gospels right?

1^st APOSTLE. Uh, well...

JESUS. Could someone please get me a seat and a menu already? (2^nd apostle does, jesus sits) Thank you. (He glances over the menu) Now. Where I've been - I'm not gonna lie, there isn't much to tell, suffice to say that three days is hardly enough time to spend in Hell if you want to see everything, so I can't really give you a definitive review of the place, but seriously, it wasn't pleasant. Funky smells. It was really loud. But still, don't take my word for it. Ask around. (becoming more involved in the menu) Oh I get it so you get the best of both worlds.

2^nd APOSTLE. Does this chocolate have raspberry filling?

JESUS. Oh, whoops. Sorry, must have gotten some blood on there. Well don’t worry, it’s blessed, it’s good for you.

scatter-brained would be an understatement, understand? but you'll have to say it louder because it is incomprehensible

"This is turning into a wild goose chase. well not a chase so much. a wild goose...search...investigation...case? ‘The case of the missing wild goose, or how i learned to stop worrying and love bureaucracy’" (sometimes I hate the university. all i wanted was my W-2.)

haha scented condoms. who is smelling them? i mean sure they smell pretty funky sometimes, but it's usually when there's a buncha spunk in 'em. And I'm not sure if a tinge of strawberry fragrance is really gonna do much for that. But i suppose there very well could be a large demographic of men with naturally smelly dongs. i really like hanging out in the condom section of the store. Its an important choice damnit. And also, you get to let everyone know...check it out, i'm planning on having sex. but man, I'm kinda peeved about how much these condom companies are charging for me not to come. bunch of fuckers...but then, i guess that's their business.

Is there a rift between the population called by the same syllable, separated by spelling? The answer: a-duh.

And then I went on to explore the preposterous-yet-almost-true-sounding history of the war of Jo(h)ns, and the horrible battle of Athan, and the legendary but ultimately tragic Ny Operation.

," said somebody to the left.

I think I'm'onna drink vodka-redbulls the whole weekend. Just for the holiday. You see, being that valentine's day is coming up, I thought it would be humorously ironic to tempt cardiovascular failure.

so raise up your glass for conflicting ideas, and drain the whole drink so they'll all disappear. i've got smoke, pills and powders, and needles and shots and i'm shooting the noose to get out of the knots.

So buck up, missy, because life is just a limbo of a stripped-down sort of symbol and you only make it simple by pumping up the music and lowering the bar.

But I suppose I fail to remember forgetting December.

Because the weather's gotten warmer but the winter's just begun.

I've got a clock face and I don't know which way is twelve.

So hold out for some splendor, hold onto hope, keep your eyes peeled for the sun.

Class is a synecdoche. Think about it.

But hey, that's why Benjamin Franklin invented alcohol. and jack daniels took a swig and exclaimed "I will found an entire civilization upon this sort of beverage" and jim beam said "me too!" and so they got to fighting. meanwhile a young samuel adams was taking notes in the corner - he had been searching for a way to get women to sleep with him at frat parties. And captain morgan went wee wee wee wee all the way to the caribbean. because he ain't got a home. now is it whee like an exclamation or wee like urination? i think the urination makes more sense in this context - assuming that captain morgan is a business drunk, which is easy to be if your business is piracy - because remember kids - alcohol is a diuretic.

'3:46 - A large round figure, measuring approximately 7 feet in height and 6 feet in width, is stationed outside of one of the exhibit buildings. Slightly bubbling, billowing, and inconsistent exterior. Yellow being the majority color. Animated (drawn-on) eyes and mouth, protruding nose, stubby arms and legs. Disproportionately large, white gloves worn on end of arms and similarly disproportionate imitation Converse All-Stars worn on the end of legs. Bears sizable red baseball cap - reads "Celebration Cinemas". Oversized red, striped basketball-style shorts. Roused by a stereo playing Michael Jackson's "Thriller", the being dances awkwardly, only spurred by the crowds of children drawing near. It doesn't even use the original MJ choreography. I am not impressed. Humans are an odd species. Even at a zoo.' I had the (Ms.)Fortune of coincidentally coinciding my visit with an event coined "Boo at the Zoo".

(bt dubs it was a dude dancing around in a popcorn kernel mascot costume)

It really upsets me that the thesaurus widget on my mac does not have an entry for penis. Or anything even remotely vulgar for that matter. Come on! Those are the like the best ones!

Fudge...sounds delicious right now. I haven't had a cookie since I-don't-know-when and I haven't made them since I-don't-know-how

The conditions are poor, but fairly consistent not at all temp'rate, but all too persistent The sky has turned red, but I am resistant

The nations we see are those we define by the contents contained on one side of the line we put our trust in those things that confine so you stick to yours and I'll stay in mine for conflicts occur when these two combine.

and ne'er the 'twixt shall exist.

And there is not an ant in my pants nor a pie in the sky that is cool with that.

To reiterate - that is cool with that.

And thus we say goodbye to neverland. Fuck your self and mine.

well i guess that about wraps it up here at the hogwash. here's to another year eh? hopefully I'll be syndicated by then. Happy anniversary to me.

jt boom

If you could make any two historical figures fight to the death: A. Who would they be? B. What weapon would you give each? C. Who would you want to win? D. Would you duel the winner afterwards?

jesus this is a tough one. oh! jesus would be a good one. but he couldn't have any weapons. and he would have to fight...joseph smith! and joseph smith would fight with either a scythe or twin sai (like Raphael uses...the teenage mutant ninja turtle, not the renaissance artist. but we should also consider an art contest i think). i think i would want jesus to win, because joseph smith kinda seems like a tool. but hey, i guess this whole fight-to-the-death thing would help me get to know him better so i can make a better and more balanced assessment. but for all you gamblers out there, remember, it's a tad rigged, because supposedly jesus can't die. soooooo...offensive.

but beyond those with religious associations, i would probably choose theodore roosevelt and andrew jackson, because that would just be amazing to watch. and to make it even more entertaining i would make them fight with wire hangers. i think that would encourage creativity. as per my preferred combatant, i would definitely say teddy, on accounta i've always felt that andrew jackson never got his historical comeuppance in terms of the way he is viewed now and all the crazy, shitty things he did in his day (e.g. the trail of tears). but if andrew jackson won i would make him face genghis khan. if teddy won, i would split a fifth of whiskey with him.

But then, I just don't know, there are so many great options... maybe helen keller and eleanor roosevelt! . sure, this would be a second roosevelt, but they seem like a family of scrappers. very refined scrappers. Also, this particular match-up would definitely be interesting given the rule-breaking nature of both of these fine ladies, such as eleanor's breaking of the "no marrying cousins" rule or helen keller's breaking of the much-maligned "mummies don't coach softball" rule. So what I'm saying is that this fight would be super hawt. Also, for novelty sake and promotional reasons, the fight would be broadcast live from an above-ground pool filled waist-high with dippin' dots. but they wouldn't have to be name-brand, helen can't tell the difference.

in other historical news, irony was invented. HA! Get it?! but seriously-

if i ever met abraham lincoln, i would say "suck my dick!"
not because of any problems with his policies or him as a person, but more because i always thought he had a perdy mouth.

and because i think his beard would feel good on my balls.

and i feel his oratorical skills would translate well into the arena of fellatio.

and maybe my dick would go all the way through! what with the head wound and all. if i could ever go back in time, i would save abraham lincoln's life by sticking my cock in his head to stop the bleeding. I bet the secret service never thought of that!

but if he did die, his last words would be something like "stop doing that" or "quit moving around". and it would be funny. to me anyway. everyone else would probably be weirded out, just as you are now.

and then a joke involving lincoln dying with "my dong on his mind"


tasteless.

Ask me anything

In the average human body, all cells divide and then die within a period of about seven years. Given that little nugget of information, you've had roughly three different bodies by now... How does it feel being Jon 3.0?

it's...annoying. i wouldn't recommend it. though this operating system has fixed many of the problems of previous editions, it is still quite disappointing - high emissions, noisy equipment, all while remaining mostly land-based. My favorite is still Jon 1.4 for adorability.

Wait, wouldn't I be on the fourth?

Ask me anything