If you could make any two historical figures fight to the death: A. Who would they be? B. What weapon would you give each? C. Who would you want to win? D. Would you duel the winner afterwards?

jesus this is a tough one. oh! jesus would be a good one. but he couldn't have any weapons. and he would have to fight...joseph smith! and joseph smith would fight with either a scythe or twin sai (like Raphael uses...the teenage mutant ninja turtle, not the renaissance artist. but we should also consider an art contest i think). i think i would want jesus to win, because joseph smith kinda seems like a tool. but hey, i guess this whole fight-to-the-death thing would help me get to know him better so i can make a better and more balanced assessment. but for all you gamblers out there, remember, it's a tad rigged, because supposedly jesus can't die. soooooo...offensive.

but beyond those with religious associations, i would probably choose theodore roosevelt and andrew jackson, because that would just be amazing to watch. and to make it even more entertaining i would make them fight with wire hangers. i think that would encourage creativity. as per my preferred combatant, i would definitely say teddy, on accounta i've always felt that andrew jackson never got his historical comeuppance in terms of the way he is viewed now and all the crazy, shitty things he did in his day (e.g. the trail of tears). but if andrew jackson won i would make him face genghis khan. if teddy won, i would split a fifth of whiskey with him.

But then, I just don't know, there are so many great options... maybe helen keller and eleanor roosevelt! . sure, this would be a second roosevelt, but they seem like a family of scrappers. very refined scrappers. Also, this particular match-up would definitely be interesting given the rule-breaking nature of both of these fine ladies, such as eleanor's breaking of the "no marrying cousins" rule or helen keller's breaking of the much-maligned "mummies don't coach softball" rule. So what I'm saying is that this fight would be super hawt. Also, for novelty sake and promotional reasons, the fight would be broadcast live from an above-ground pool filled waist-high with dippin' dots. but they wouldn't have to be name-brand, helen can't tell the difference.

in other historical news, irony was invented. HA! Get it?! but seriously-

if i ever met abraham lincoln, i would say "suck my dick!"
not because of any problems with his policies or him as a person, but more because i always thought he had a perdy mouth.

and because i think his beard would feel good on my balls.

and i feel his oratorical skills would translate well into the arena of fellatio.

and maybe my dick would go all the way through! what with the head wound and all. if i could ever go back in time, i would save abraham lincoln's life by sticking my cock in his head to stop the bleeding. I bet the secret service never thought of that!

but if he did die, his last words would be something like "stop doing that" or "quit moving around". and it would be funny. to me anyway. everyone else would probably be weirded out, just as you are now.

and then a joke involving lincoln dying with "my dong on his mind"


tasteless.

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