Inspiration fails when you can't remember a thought from one moment to the next, or, "Has Something Been Shitting in Here?!"

One morning in the recent past, I was walking to class. It was cold. I was late I think. But I wasn't worried - I think I had a cigarette, but also a little ditty by Fiona Apple came up on my iPod, called "Extraordinary Machine". So I was jamming along. And what should pass but a hearse. Bummer. It had an orange flag, though, and I have never seen that before. And all of the trailing vehicles had their own orange flags. "Funeral", they said. Read. I thought - orange? I mean I love orange, don't get me wrong, but is it really the most appropriate hue for such matters? Certainly there's the visibility element, but I really think you need to utilize the skull 'n' crossbones insignia here. Really give everyone you pass a sense of gloom and a reminder of their own mortality. and a reminder of PIRATES! So yeah I guess pirates kinda have the market cornered on the skeletal icons, but hey that could add a hint of adventure, eh? Some rowdies try and hijack the casket? Looking for gold, find a dead body - the perfect distraction while you're burying the treasure in the cemetery across town.

But perhaps that was just the dead's wishes. Of course, I heard that orange flags are widespread nowadays for these sort of ceremonies, but you know, people are liars. So i'ma believe what i damn well please. and in this reality of my own invention, I reckon I would probably have flags on the train, but they would be very large, flying on the top of each vehicle. Now yes, some of the taller automobiles might not be able to make any clearance, but I'm sure there are other ways to the graveyard. And hey, more publicity for my funeral! but we'll get to that in a minute. So these flags - they
attackers find a dead body...you know what I'm bored. This is boring. moving on.

Sometimes I walk in a silly fashion. And most often it's for no one else's amusement but my own. I think it has given me light to moderate back trouble. These are the important lessons in life.

My hangover is like my body saying : "it's going to be a shitty day. WAKE UP ASSHOLE YOU'RE MISSING IT!"

In the course of my lifetime, I would like to be honored with a banner-raising/number-retired ceremony? I was watching Steve Yzerman's ceremony on the tyoob at the parents' house, and there was the pomp and the sentimentality and the detroit red wings has been the team that i have followed closest for the longest time or whatever. So it was touching for me. And I thought to myself, "I would like a version of this to happen to me in some sort of activity i am involved in". But then they brought out the chevy prize vehicle and were all like "and he's gonna be going home with this brand new chevy truck suv thing that's so cool". something like that. and they played this like midwest middle-age middle-class party music and had the vehicle like circling on the ice. ew...i'm gonna change the channel i think.

y'ever look at yourself in the mirror or think about something you just said or did, and wonder what the hell kind of person am I? what right have i to exist? what a ridiculous conclusion this has become - my life. I think the cut on my finger feels infected. See? I only wrote that for my own enjoyment from consonance. Absurd, no? but also because it hurts, but probs not because it is infected. I don't think. I don't know.

I.D.T.I.D.K.

I've got a clock face and I don't know which way is twelve. that is a way better title.

Syllogism the first

Class is a synecdoche.








Think about it.

why with my regal beezer i could be another caesar if i only had a drink

alright, y'all. I hope you had a wonderful thanksgiving. I know mine...was um...eventful? Drunken certainly. I saw a lot of people i like, a lot of good friends that i haven't seen in a while. So that was cool. Also saw a few people i don't particularly care for. Namely a good portion of my extended family.

But hey, that's why Benjamin Franklin invented alcohol. and jack daniels took a swig and exclaimed "I will found an entire civilization upon this sort of beverage" and jim beam said "me too!" and so they got to fighting. meanwhile a young samuel adams was taking notes in the corner - he had been searching for a way to get women to sleep with him at frat parties. And captain morgan went wee wee wee wee all the way to the caribbean. because he ain't got a home. now is it whee like an exclamation or wee like urination? i think the urination makes more sense in this context - assuming that captain morgan is a business drunk, which is easy to be if your business is piracy - because remember kids - alcohol is a diuretic.

but fer real folks, I remember earlier this fall when i considered how someday thanksgiving would come, and I would eat lots and lots of food for free. and what a concept for a young, poor, starving man. but as always, i had to sit through some family guff. and now it's all gone. i have had some good times with some good friends with good food and good booze. well, alcohol of varying qualities.

anyhoo, i reckon this thanksgiving is the first time i have felt legitimately thankful. serious gratitude. for all of my friends. all the generous, lovely people in my life. am i supposed to give thanks to, or give thanks for? or both? well i would like to do both. so here and there you are, wonderful human beings of my reality. Thanks. And you know, as much trouble as i have had this whole semester with life in general (but a lot having to do with being effing poor). maybe it's true that money can't buy happiness. maybe i'll move to the middle east and become an ascetic. or perhaps i'll just stick around here and be an aesthete.

but then, perhaps i'm only realizing my contentment because i have done somewhere around zero homework and i am at my home in grand haven, and i just find the paradox rather humorous - i can't do homework at home. since my college years, this house has become a complete mental sanctuary from academics. I just sit around, watch tv, and eat. all day. it is ridiculous. and there is so much to do before the end of the semester. it is completely vulgar how much i have to do in the next three weeks.

so don't be mad at me if i don't write another one o' these for awhile.
though it's kinda early (and kinda late too i guess, what with thanksgiving and all)...

...happy holidays.

i know its coming. i can see the light. al otro lado del rio.

going and coming then becomes a matter of here and there...and then...

any reference to Dude, Where's my Car? being unintentional. But if I type that sentence, is it instantly negated? ...I guess we'll see.

Anyhoo, busy? Me too. Would it be wrong to name a child Anyhoo? No stealies, it was my idea.

I went to the zoo a few weeks ago, and I thought I might share some of my observations:
'3:46 - A large round figure, measuring approximately 7 feet in height and 6 feet in width, is stationed outside of one of the exhibit buildings. Slightly bubbling, billowing, and inconsistent exterior. Yellow being the majority color. Animated (drawn-on) eyes and mouth, protruding nose, stubby arms and legs. Disproportionately large, white gloves worn on end of arms and similarly disproportionate imitation Converse All-Stars worn on the end of legs. Bears sizable red baseball cap - reads "Celebration Cinemas". Oversized red, striped basketball-style shorts. Roused by a stereo playing Michael Jackson's "Thriller", the being dances awkwardly, only spurred by the crowds of children drawing near. It doesn't even use the original MJ choreography. I am not impressed. Humans are an odd species. Even at a zoo.'

I had the (Ms.)Fortune of coincidentally coinciding my visit with an event coined "Boo at the Zoo".

Alright, sorry this is all i can post here at the present time. More to come once my production is finished. You should come. I'm playing Dale Harding in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest at Michigan State University. Go to thr.msu.edu for further information if you are genuinely interested. Should be a good show.

I'm hungry, and consequently very irritated with Menna's for the absence of its product in my tummy. Damn online ordering.

Golly.

I'm in a great mood, bordering on mania. I called hoping you could bring me down.

Who ever heard of having a good mood Tuesday? It's probably the slap-happy sleep-deprived energy shot talking. Those girls that walk around with the free energy shots in the library are the offspring divine, sent from heaven. But I guess it makes sense - "gives you wings". Makes them angels. Gives me sense.

Or something closely-resembling.

It's funny. I had $10 - I never thought that food v. cigarettes could be a trial for the books. Luckily, food's attorney is a tad more articulate. Or my stomach gave pretty strong testimony. In it's weakness.

I'm in the library, printing cigarette coupons.
I'm done with the rest, I'll only eat croutons.
Perhaps I'll cough up a lung before my body turns cannibal.
I only enjoy it when the danger is tangible.
I know that I hate me, 'cause I'm a man-made animal.

Good moods with good tunes on hand makes for a better mood. It's not me against the music. It's me inside the music. Against the world. But mostly it comes down to proxy skirmishes with piles of leaves. And those don't last long, because they fly up in flourishes and we forge fast friendships. Then it all turns into pleasant impressionism. Especially on sunny autumn days.

They're rare, but well-done.

It is a meta{phor} my life

What is this about not being able to use <> thingies in the title. I originally used them instead of { these } things because it was like pointing out where the meaning of the phor/for was s'posed'a go. Boo....BOO! I'M A GHOST! I GOT A ROCK! WHY DIDN'T HE JUST THROW IT THROUGH THEIR WINDOWS? WHO GIVES OUT ROCKS FOR HALLOWEEN? BESIDES ME? and I would imagine Santa Claus. But that's only because he's a sourpuss about the holiday. And he has more coal than candy. Because he needs to heat his pole. So I'm saying save it. It's cold up there............anyway. the point-

Stepped in dogshit. That's the metaphor. I don't know if the universe is trying to tell me life can always get worse, or that life will always get worse. 'Oh, your life hasn't been miserable? Well I got it covered. In dogshit. Your shoe, specifically.'

That girl next door better learn to clean up after her pooch. Because I already have my costumes for halloween, but I don't mind adding the wicked witch to the repertoire. So watch it Todo.

Why is there so much shit to do before Halloween? Why does so much have to be submitted by November 1? Killing me. I'ma be a zombie for Halloween without even trying. Here I come, pictures of me sleeping at parties! WUH HOO!

(back to work)

It was a superb dick day

You know those days when you take a look at yourself, and you're swingin' large (whatever that may mean to you) and you just know you're going to eff the ess out of the day? It was one of those days today. And still is, I suppose.

Well of course the occurrences are just the same as they always are, but you feel better about them. Or at least about yourself.

Anyhoo, enough dancing around phalli. It really upsets me that the thesaurus widget on my mac does not have an entry for penis. Or anything even remotely vulgar for that matter. Come on! Those are the like the best ones!

Halloween is quickly approaching. I find it irritating that my life is also getting way busier at the same time. You know, it really blows being a secular person, because Halloween is like all we have. Well, that and Christmas. And Thanksgiving. But I get time off for those. Those are recognized as important. And the beliefs behind them are the least important to me. But Halloween is about dressing up and getting intoxicated and indulging! Which I can totally get behind! Then again, that's kind of what all holidays are about in one way or another, huh? The point is, someone give me a break. I should not have to tend to my responsibilities, because I'm not even me on Halloweekend. I am Sirius Black, or Inspector Clouseau. But like a drunk version.

In any case, at the very least it is about time to do my annual marathon of the Misfits. I think the Misfits are the best seasonal music. Especially for this time of year. Of course excepting the monster mash. I'ma throw a monster mash. In my pants. FULL CIRCLE!

peace

LIfe is hard, but more so when your dick ain't (but then again I suppose it depends on the circumstances...)

(...Because you don't wanna be walking around with a boner all the time right? that could get dangerous)

Hear ye, hear ye. Plant your asses here in front of the screen and I'ma type til you see what I mean.

At some point I have to figure out whether I want to be an actor, a student, or a drunk. Because I don't know how much longer I can continue being all three. There is not enough time in the day. And not enough stuff in my thing. Brain.

Anyhoo, life has been kicking my ass. Four hour rehearsals six days a week and midterms and quizzes and a job make jonny a dull boy.

I just wanted a turkey sandwich, complete with all the fixin's but Hellman was all like "fix that lid so it will stay fixed atop the jar," so I went without that fixture of a turkey sandwich. Just cheese, turkey, lettuce. I'll have to find another way to get my fix.

But not really, because mayonnaise is gross, despite its essential role on sandwiches. What the fix up with that?

Oh my blog, you're my most receptive companion and my favorite to neglect. That'll teach you.

I have to go to rehearsal. Again. and Forever. Fun Fun.

That is one ghetto-ass grilled cheese

My debit card did not come in the mail today - Fudge...sounds delicious right now. I haven't had a cookie since I-don't-know-when and I haven't made them since I-don't-know-how.

In the realm of need that most of us exist within, the meaning of necessity is so definitely flexible. My current needful resources (according to my present fleeting definition) that are at my disposal are Ltd. Too -

4 hours o sleep. $3 and a bunch of change that's lying around my pockets and room. 2 cigarettes. 1 brick of cheese. 1 boxxa cereal. 1 canna soup. 1/2 gallon of milk. 1/2 gallon of ju l'orange. it's the poverty diet.

So some of those things should be more described as "needful". And probably some of them are "resources" too. But fuck off, Semantics. Language is arbitrary.

Oh, and I also have a helluva lot of whiskey, because I haven't had time to drink. That's one of those necessities you don't see in the list because I don't have it. Interesting that I have so much alcohol and so little food. It's like what Kafka said - "I guess I turned into a bum." But that might have been a typographical error. That's probably how it happens, though. Eventually you have nothing left to lose. (ooh did you catch the double meaning there? Like the resources we were talking about before, but then also on an existential level. Oh you did get it? You're very acute, which would make me obtuse.......geometry)

Anyhoo, I'ma go into time debt in order to catch up on my sleep inventory. This was all a very fun journey, wasn't it kids?

Well good afternoon, blog. I'm'onna nap.

Supposing what I did

A night when you're s'posed'a do homework. So you can go to sleep. So you can get up. And do other shit you're s'posed'a do.

But striding comes fancy with whimsy in toe, to let you in on some things you should know. tellin' ya sleep is for quitters - a waste of your time! Well I want my hours to sparkle and shine and I'll go so far as committin' a crime, if I find a crime worth committin'.

I figger most of us that stay up late are just waiting for life to get more int'restin'.

Well tonight for me was a ride for the books, rather I spent the morning with the rest of the crooks that are late to bed and later to rise, and you'll know the gents by the fire in their eyes, a look that pierces with the knowledge of knives, slicing a spoonful into their lives, and that glair lets you know that it'd be lies if they told you that they regret it.

'cause those slices help prioritize, cut those s'posed'as down to size. Though some trouble may materialize, the meantime makes you realize that those nights on the edge of your demise are worth the words in the morning.

Barking: "Mad!"

so i typed up this whole, big, long blog last night about my weekend, but then it didn't publish or save like i thought it did, so eff that noise.

If i had a dinosaur, i would probably smash it to smitherins, in the hopes that it would yield me some quarters. Because odds are it's a pinata, and I have laundry to do. And if it's not, maybe there are people inside, and maybe they have some quarters. I would ask them. But I suppose they're probably dead and partially digested, so in that case I would just rummage through their pockets.

And if that doesn't work, I suppose I'll just go and shake the money tree out back. It can be done. It's all about RNA.

Revenue. Nice. Ass.

But with the money tree it's ALL BILLS! Large ones too. Not even ones you could break for quarters at any respectable establishment. Like ridiculous bills, mostly some sorta thousand kind, but I've found even ones that America has no backing for - a google, a boogle, even a beagle. I named him Allodocious. He came to a terrible end though. I thought he was another one o' them pinatas. I mean - I hoped; I was ready to believe for the potential reward. So I buried him near the money tree, in the hopes that he will germinate into a smaller-currency shrub or fern.

So if anyone would like to donate some quarters so that I can stop this slaughter of hypothetical, desirable pets and/or inanimate objects, put them in a clearly marked zip-lock baggie and hand them to me at your earliest convenience. Thank you.

So...let's wash a hog

(an elderly, old-timey, powdered-wigged, blustery fellow by the name of Horace Norberg, appears, with a sort of 17th century flair, behind a microphone, which is standing somewhere around the center of an elementary school gymneterium? Audasiteria? Cafditasium? Anyway, some sort of combination of an auditorium, gymnasium, and cafeteria - with the occasional hosting of exciting events like the book fair, and boy scout meetings! - ...um...stage. The stage of that place. Anyhoo, without further adieu, here's the introduction...)

Horace. Hear Ye! Hear Ye! This blog shall come to session. All rise and get ready to get up and get funky with...Jonny T!

(and then I come on in similar garb, why not? It's just an ol' hodgepodge of anachronisms and tangents I guess is the environment I'm setting up here.)

Jonny. A good day to you all! This is Jonny T broadcasting to you live via text, comin' at all you surfers out there on that totally tubular wave machine we call the web! And just to clarify to all of our listeners, I am not the author of the blog. He's asked me to inform all of our viewers that I am merely a representation of the author-

(oh shit...what?! Why'd he stop? Ah! it says here "another character bursts onto the stage from behind the curtain"...and where's the rest of the script? Jesus, people, okay - no script. Sorry folks, we're still figuring this out. Um...this guy's name is...let's see he looks like your average dirty hippie college jack-off...call him Jack? I'll give it a tentative 'yes'. Jack says...)

Jackie. Hold on, pump the brakes man! I think I'm s'posed to be the voice of the author!

(Just to be clear, this is what happens on the show. The different...I'm required to call them characters...talk about things and often disagree and have squabbles. If you ask me it's a little kooky, but the author and Jonathan - that professional-looking man working the camera over there, our producer - have some sort of arrangement. Let's ask him what the hell's going on: 'Jonathan, what the hell is going on here?')

Jonathan. Don't ask me, I'm learning just like everyone else.

('Well you do it very well, doesn't he folks? Let's give 'im a hand! And what a nice blue tie he's got!' Jonathan laughs and waves to imagined applause as the applause sign lights up. Oh, so apparently Jonathan presses the button for the applause sign? And he does it in this instance just for that, for himself? Wow, remind me to bring that up later, I'm not sure how I feel about that. 'Jonathan, you can hear me, then?')

Jonathan. Yeah that's what it sounds like anyway. I think it's because I've got these headphones on.

('Oh yeah, sure enough. You've got those headphones on.')

Jonny. Hey, Jonathan, are we stopped for somethin'? Can we have a smoke break?
Jonathan. Just one second there, Jonny, we're getting this all figured out.



Okay, let's cut that for now. This is the author speaking. I'm'onna take a break from this temporarily, and I guess rebroadcast from this point at another time, it's late. Anyway, y'all come on back now, it gets even weirder from here I think. 'til next time...